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What’s in my Pocket

I have a little cardboard-colored pocket moleskine that I carry most of the time. This isn’t my first little pocket notebook and I’m sure it won’t be my last. I often make note of ideas, things to remember, things to buy, directions, etc. But, the contents of this little pocket notebook in particular seem to hold a lot more than a pocket’s worth.

 1. Directions to Wihelmina Models: 300 Park Avenue South

This winter I decided I would go out on a limb and do something just for the experience. I used to dream of being a model, until I started recognizing the ugly truths behind the industry. Outlandish concepts of beauty are born from breeding this one type of hyper-thin porcelain creature produced by high fashion magazines and modeling agencies, such as Wilhelmina. With that, I know I’m certainly not in model form. But, if I were a model I’d be considered “plus sized.”

So, what did I do? I did some research on open castings and found that Wilhelmina’s “Curve” division casted on the first Wednesday of each month. Sizes 8-16. Why not, right? If anything my long shot goal was to turn the industry on its head. “I guess I’m plus sized!” would read as a headline over a photograph of my size 8 body wearing an impish smirk.

When I got to the agency, in all of its posh glory, the lady at the desk enquiringly asked for my dress size as if I possibly might not be plus sized. I said “8”, and she happily waved me on. So I sat on a fancy couch and filled out a form. It was mostly just a waiting process. I then met with a very tall and VERY thin woman who looked at my portfolio and collected a snapshot.

Long story short, I’m not signed with Wilhelmina. But in retrospect, I think the experience got me on a new track in life—and a pen! (I may or may not have stolen a fancy pen from their lavish waiting room).

On one hand, it’s horrible that for a moment I had myself convinced I was plus sized. I mean, I did go to a “Curve” division casting voluntarily. But on the other hand, I was feeling pretty down about myself at that moment in time, and ever since then I’ve been eating better and working out regularly (something I never EVER thought I would hear myself say.)

 2. Trader Joe’s Grocery List

And so the health kick begins.

Because I was probably feeling fat, I think this is where this list comes it. It’s got a bunch of things on it. From staples like honey and eggs to “superfoods” like quinoa and kale. I’m not sure what I was preparing to make with things like coconut milk and precooked steamed lentils, but they were on the list. And guess what! I think I ended up just buying prepackaged Indian food and coffee creamer.

 3. Directions to Trader Joe’s

*Had never actually been to Trader Joe’s before procuring list.

 4Healthy Recipes

I think this list came later, after I had finally bought some actual groceries. Additionally, I remember I went all online shopping crazy and bought a bunch of random things on Amazon (chia seeds, coconut oil, PB2) and was ready to experiment.

Recipes listed include: “Wilted Kale with Garlic and Lemon”, “Curried Kale with Coconut Oil”, “Raspberry Chia Pudding”, “Chocolate Avocado Chia Pudding”, and “No Bake Energy Balls”.

I did in fact end up making most of the recipes on the list and continued eating this way. A leafy green diet that included a lot of lentils and chia seeds plus beginning to work out—I hate to be cheesy, but I’ve felt noticeably and incredibly better ever since.

 5. “Water bottle, toothpaste, olive oil”

This is when I worked up the courage to begin going to the gym, thus needed a water bottle. Additionally, what a minuscule yet vital little list here, am I right?

 6.  Job Interview Info

This entry is funny to me now considering I go there everyday, but this is when I had to write down how to find where my soon-to-be-job was.

 7. Psychic Reading March 1st, 2014

This is definitely my favorite thing in this little book. On March 1st I got my palm read. I won’t delve into details because I’m superstitious and for some reason think my fortunes won’t come true anymore but I will say that what Kitty told me that day does seem to creep up in my everyday here and there.

What resonated with me most was that she told me I’m very nervous about my dreams coming to fruition but not to be worried, because I will get there even if I don’t think I’m even on the right path right now. I know that an alien from Mars or your mailman could have told me that, but if anything Kitty’s words have stood as words of encouragement and I’m grateful for them.

She also told me I have a lot of “jealous hater.” ??? Come @ me.

 8. Flight Details, JFK – CDG

New York to Paris! Spring Breeaaaak!

It was my first time to France since 2010 so it felt long overdue. The ticket may have left me with no monies, but oh well.

 9. Thorough Train Directions to Whitney’s Apartment

I copied word for word what Whitney wrote for me in a Facebook message with directions for how to get to her apartment from the airport. I’m really bad at directions so I’m always sure to be detailed; “cross the street so I’m on side of purple bakery.”

The train I was supposed to take wasn’t running that week however, and it turned out to be an adventure all in itself. I ended up traveling into Paris with two Americans, roughly my age, also in a bit of confusion. In lieu of not rambling, meeting people while traveling is the best thing you can do, do it.

10.  My Dad’s Phone Number

It’s in my notebook with an “…” before it. I copied it down before I went to see him just in case. I remember copying it from my aunt’s email into my notebook thinking, “Holy shit these numbers get to my dad.”

Of course, “Dad’s phone number” shouldn’t be an off kilter thing to have jotted down. But for me it is. I don’t think I’ve ever had his phone number, actually. This year was the first time I’ve seen my father in a decade. Meeting him was incredible, however. I’ve never been so scared. And I’ve never felt so liberated. I tell the story to anyone who asks and ever since I haven’t felt incapable of anything. For me, it was a big deal. I’ll spare you the details, but meeting half of your genetic makeup for the first time since childhood is life-altering. And I’m really proud of myself for doing it.

 11. Thesis Scribbles/Note Taking

The end of last term, a professor of mine said to me “Let’s talk about this paper because I think it would be the perfect introduction for your thesis.” I told him, “ha”, because I was only a Sophomore. Turns out, I wasn’t only a Sophomore but academically a Junior and now I’m going to be a Senior.

I had no idea my credits from BGSU transferred so smoothly, but I’m thankful they did. Now I’m embarking on my last year of my undergraduate career and couldn’t be more excited or relieved. College hasn’t really been my thing. Except for the classes and professors, those things have been awesome. But hey, high school was not my thing either.

 12. Feelings?

The next thing in this little book is a list of words. Just words. “Open”, “Shows”, “Casual”, “Green”, “Comfortable”, “People”, “Mentors”, “Dreams”, “Fast”, “Slow”, among around 50 others.

I don’t know what I was really thinking or feeling exactly, but I do know it was probably an attempt to try to understand what I wanted at the time. Sometimes I’m not sure what I want or feel, so I write words in hopes to create a clearer more tangible picture. These moments are fewer and few. I’d compare it to a moment of teen angst, just better channeled. I don’t get swept away by emotion like I used to.

 13. “TO DO”

 -Buddhism exam

-Philosophy Journal

-Research Paper

-Public Space Paper

-Subway Project

 14. To get…

 -Undies

-Jean Jacket

-Black Jeans

-Gray Yoga Pants

-Gold Bracelet

-Makeup Organizer

 Basically, this little cardboard-colored pocket sized moleskine sums up my year so far. And I love the way it does: I’ve made big changes and done big things, but in pocket sized ways.